Finding the Hidden Benefits

This post is for those of you who’ve been trying to create something in your life for awhile now, but just can’t seem to make it happen. Rather than staying stuck in a place of sheer frustration, this post will show you how to take responsibility for the circumstances you've been experiencing and move out of them once and for all!

I'm going to be honest with you and cut to the chase: If there’s something you’ve been wanting for a long time but nothing has changed in your life, it’s possible that some part of you doesn’t really want that thing or situation you’re trying to create! Obviously, this assumes that you’ve actually been expending energy and effort trying to get this thing to work, otherwise your lack of effort is the reason behind why you’re not succeeding.

But if you’ve been making an honest attempt at trying to lose those last five lbs., or trying to make more money on-line from your website, or deepening your relationship with your spouse or children, or attracting new like-minded individuals into your life, etc., and still nothing is budging, then that usually means that something inside of you is not entirely on-board with whatever it is you think you’re wanting.

I know what you’re thinking! You're convinced there’s no possible way this is true. After all, you want this thing or situation SO badly, so it can’t possibly be true that part of you *doesn’t* want it. However, while this is not necessarily a case of self-sabotage, it is likely that there’s a hidden subconscious reason why you’re not making as much progress with your particular goal as you'd like. So let's take a closer look at these subconscious motivations and bring conscious awareness to why you might be staying stuck in an experience you thought you so desperately wanted out of!

Even though I get asked out regularly on my fair share of dates, I’ve been single (not in a serious relationship) for awhile now. And even though it would be pretty easy to blame this on the fact that I’m just not getting asked out by the “right” guys, I’m also not doing a whole heck of a lot to put myself out there to meet my match! Ultimately I do think I would like to be married and have a family, but I also wonder if there’s some part of me that isn’t entirely committed to being in a long-term relationship. Otherwise, I would probably already be in one!

Can you relate to this? Maybe it’s not in the area of relationships, but in some area of your life where you think you’re committed to one thing but the results seem to show otherwise?

So, what to do when this happens? Hint: beating yourself up is not the answer!

Instead, spend some time investigating whether there are any hidden benefits to your situation being the way it is now. Take out your journal or a piece of paper and at the top write, “Benefits of My Current Situation.” Next, list as many benefits (at least 5) as you can come up with regarding your situation as it is right now. You might have to stretch your mind a little at first and look at your situation in a whole new light, but go ahead and do that! Not only will doing this exercise help you uncover (possible) hidden motives behind your desires, but it will also help release any resistance you may be flowing around this particular area of your life.

For example, in my case it might look like:

Benefits of My Current Situation:

• I have complete freedom to spend my time however I want
• I don’t have to check in with anyone
• I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself

Oftentimes just uncovering the hidden motivations are enough to clear up the issue. By bringing them to light, you are able to see things you weren't previously aware of.

If this exercise doesn't clear things up, however, you'll want to find a way to reconcile what you are ultimately trying to create with the benefits you are experiencing from your current situation. For example, in my situation I am enjoying being single because it allows me to experience freedom, but that doesn't mean I have to forego relationships all together! It just means I would be well-served to find a relationship that provides me with a great deal of freedom, as well as closeness.

If you've been trying to lose weight but uncover some hidden benefits of staying your current size (maybe you don't want to have to buy all new clothes to fit your new size!), then you'll want to find a way to reconcile your overall desire to lose weight with your desire to not have to buy a whole new wardrobe. For example, maybe your sister is the same size as your desired size and you can take over some of her old clothes. Be creative and find ways to reconcile your two desires!

Whether we want to admit it or not, there is always some reason why we are in the situations we are in, and it's usually not because the Universe is against us! Even if our motivations are subconscious and hidden from us, they are always there, driving our behavior. If you're finding that the actions you're taking are not lining up with the results you had hoped to achieve, do the exercise above to see if you have any hidden benefits to your current situation that might be preventing you from moving forward. You might be surprised by what you find!

Scripting Your Ideal Life

For the past few weeks I’ve been leading weekly scripting calls over at my new favorite hangout on the web, Good Vibe University. Scripting is the practice of speaking about something you’d like to manifest as if it’s already happened, i.e. that thing or situation is already a part of your life.

At first this can seem a bit awkward, because when most of us talk about things we want, we talk about them from a place of lack. These things haven't made an appearance in our realities yet, and therefore we're still in a vibe of wanting them. Scripting is a fantastic exercise to activate the vibration of having something, which speeds up its attraction to you. Remember, the law of attraction states that "like attracts like." By scripting and talking about things as if they’ve already happened, you're invoking the energy that is needed to make your dreams come true.

The good news is, you don’t have to join a scripting call to get benefits from this sort of exercise. In fact, you can start scripting in your mind right this very second!

Think about a particular goal or desire you’d like to see come to fruition in the next few months. It could be anything: weight loss, improved finances, a new relationship, more energy, etc. Next, think about how you would speak about this goal to others if it had already come true. What would you tell your friends and family, now that this thing is a part of your life? Would you talk about it more or less? Would the tone of your voice change, or the energy behind the words you speak?

You can also call to mind someone who already has success in that area that you’re trying to replicate. It could be someone you know, or even a character in your favorite movie or television show. Think about how this person talks about what you're trying to manifest, and even how they talk to themselves about this particular thing. They may not even talk about it very much at all because it’s already a part of their life! Is there a particular body language associated with how they talk about it?

You know the next step. Start using those same words, self-talk, behavior, etc. in order to manifest that thing or situation into your life! In some circumstances it might not be feasible to script out loud, but you can certainly script in your mind at all times. Talk to yourself as if your desire is already a reality in your world. How does that change the way you talk to yourself in this particular area?

If this feels too awkward for you at first, try imagining that you’re an actor in a play or movie and that you’re playing the role of someone who is living your ideal life. Really get into the character and feel the emotions that this person would have. Even if you’ve been playing the role of someone who's not successful in a particular area up until now, you can change the role you’ve been playing in your life at any time you choose!

Here's an example: Say you’ve been thinking about taking up yoga, but you’re typically a wallflower or homebody and not very comfortable meeting new people. As much as you’d like to start a weekly yoga practice, the thought of joining a studio where you won’t know anyone is just not appealing to you. Instead of allowing this to hamper you and hold you back, try some of the methods I described above.

You can start scripting to your friends about how excited you are to join the new yoga studio (even if inside you feel completely the opposite). Next you can actually go to the studio to sign up, and assume the role of someone who is confident, outgoing, and open to new situations and people. Rather than falling into your old pattern of keeping to yourself, try striking up a conversation with the person behind the front desk or even one of the yogis at the studio. I’m not saying these changes are going to happen overnight, and it might require a little willpower on your part, but it is possible and it can be done!

I'd love to hear your experience with any of the above techniques! By using them on a consistent basis, you will begin to feel more comfortable actually having your desires as part of your life and it won’t feel so foreign to you. Once that happens, it's only a matter of time before those things seem to magically show up in your reality!

For more details on scripting and additional exercises to create your ideal life, be sure to check out my ebook, Secrets to Creating Your Ideal Life! (That's it in the top left corner of this page).

Playing the What If Game

Sometimes things tend to get a little serious on the path of self improvement and personal growth. We focus on all that hasn't happened yet in our lives, and all the changes we still have to implement. So I thought I'd use this post to bring things back to a fun vibe, and introduce you to a game!

The What If game is a game that’s popular in law of attraction circles, but anyone can do it and I highly recommend it. Not only is it a ton of fun, but it instantly puts you in a better mood and is very effective in helping you create the life of your dreams.

The What If game is simple. Basically, the premise is this: Most of us, when we think of a goal we’d like to accomplish or a dream we’d like to manifest, or even something as simple as going to a cocktail party, we ask ourselves a series of questions that focus on the negative, i.e. “What if my business fails and I go bankrupt?” “What if I never lose this weight and stay like this forever?” “What if I go to this party and no one talks to me?” By asking ourselves questions like this from a standpoint of assuming the worst, we might think we’re preparing ourselves and preventing those things from happening. In actuality, however, we’re just taking ourselves further and further away from our desired scenario!

For example, say you’re at a cocktail party and want to go up to someone, but the only thoughts running through your mind are: “What if I say something stupid and embarrass myself?” or “What if I spill my drink on me?” If this is the case, not only are you going to be much less likely to actually take action and go up to someone new, but if you do go talk to them chances are you’ll be so nervous that you may actually spill your drink on yourself!

So to play the What If game, you begin asking yourself questions from a positive standpoint, i.e. that focus on what you WANT to happen. Using the same example from above, you could interrupt yourself from asking negative questions in your head and instead consciously replace them with questions like, “What if I tell a great joke and everything thinks I’m really funny?” or “What if this person knows someone who can help me find my ideal job/life partner?” Obviously, there’s no guarantee that any of the questions you’re asking will come true, but that’s not the point!

The point is to get your mind moving in a new direction, whereby you’re focusing on things from a more positive standpoint. You want to focus on the best-case scenario coming true rather than assuming the worst. If you read my post on Afformations, then you know the importance of asking your mind questions that focus on what you want to create rather than what you want to avoid. Whenever you ask yourself a question, your mind immediately goes off in search of the answer. By asking a question from the standpoint of what you want to attract, this directs your mind to focus on what you want to create. And we all know that whatever we consistently focus on becomes true in our lives.

Here’s another example: Say I want to manifest my ideal home, but I have no idea how that’s going to happen because I don’t have the money right now. Rather than getting frustrated and automatically giving up on my desire, I can ask myself:

• What if the sellers of my dream home drop the price drastically and I can now afford it?
• What if my dream home goes into foreclosure and I can buy it from the bank for a ridiculously cheap price?
• What if I win the lottery tomorrow and never have to worry about money again?

Get the idea?

Use whatever questions you like, and sometimes the more “out there” they are, the better! The purpose of this game is not to find answers to the questions, but rather to get in a place of thinking about your desires coming true. We get so attached to how our dreams our going to be delivered to us, and oftentimes we prevent things from making their way to us because we think they can only come through one single channel. This game helps you release your attachment to outcomes, and expand the possibilities in your mind of all the different ways your dreams can come true!

If the words “What if” don’t fully resonate with you, you can also use the words “Wouldn’t it be nice if…?” For example, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I win the lottery?” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if I lose ten lbs. overnight?” For even more fun, try playing this out loud with a partner or group of friends!

For additional resources on playing the What If game, check out the What If Up Club website, www.whatifup.com.

Solo on Valentine's Day

I was asking for suggestions for blog topics the other day on Twitter, and a dear friend suggested I write on the topic of being single on Valentine’s Day (I prefer the word “solo” to single). I thought it was a great idea, especially since Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching at the end of this week and I can already feel the tension beginning to rise around me!

So, what to do if you’re solo on Valentine’s Day? First and foremost, stop beating yourself up about it! It’s not that big a deal. Really, it’s not! In fact, lots of people in relationships dread Valentine’s Day as much as you do and would prefer to avoid it all together. Some couples even break up just prior to February 14 because the pressure is just too much too handle. New couples worry about whether they should celebrate the big day and what sort of gift to get their partner, while many long-term couples wonder why they continue to celebrate this holiday after so many years together. Honestly, Valentine's Day is not all it's cracked up to be!

If you’re still not feeling convinced, though, remember that loving yourself is key to any great relationship. Before you can truly love someone else and welcome them into your heart, you must start with a solid foundation of loving yourself. You’ve heard it before, but it’s true! Therefore, rather than feeling sad or depressed this Valentine’s Day because you’re not in a relationship, why not flow love and compassion towards yourself in order to get you ready for your next great relationship (which is on its way to you, whether you realize it or not!).

Instead of spending the day focusing on how you’re alone and you’d rather not be, spend the day focused on yourself and appreciating all that you are! Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate this day, too. After all, Valentine’s Day is about LOVE, and you can love yourself and love your life even if you’re solo!

One of the best ways to love yourself is to watch what you say to yourself in your mind, i.e. monitor your thoughts and self-talk. If you catch yourself thinking a thought that makes you feel bad or depressed, change it immediately to a thought that makes you feel better. We’re in control of our thoughts and can think anything we want. For example, I guarantee you that telling yourself things like, “I’m the only one without a date on Valentine’s Day” or “I’ll be alone forever” are going to make you feel horrible! Therefore, if you catch yourself thinking a thought like that, immediately cancel it and replace it with a thought that feels better. Some examples are:

• I've been in great relationships before, so I'll be in another great relationship soon.
• Being single is only temporary.
• I'm not going to let this day dictate how I feel about myself.
• I love and celebrate myself, exactly as I am!

Next, be sure to plan something special so that you’re not sitting at home alone feeling sorry for yourself. Invite some friends over for a dinner party, rent your favorite movie, or treat yourself to a massage! Remember, rather than using the day as an excuse to beat yourself up for being single, use the day as an excuse to celebrate you and everything you are. Take yourself shopping, get your hair done at the salon, or go to the gym and attend a yoga class. Do anything that makes you feel better about yourself and interrupts your pattern of feeling low because you’re solo.

Also, keep in mind that being single is very rarely a permanent state. Sure, you’re not in a relationship right now, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever! In fact, being single is actually a pre-requisite for being in a relationship: when the right person shows up you have to be single so you're available to be with them. Besides, everyone who has a date this Valentine’s Day has been single at some point in their lives!

So if you're starting to feel anxious as Valentine's Day approaches, don't. It's only one day out of the entire year, and there are tons of couples who boycott the day entirely because there's too much hype surrounding it. Ultimately, only you are in charge of how you feel about yourself and this day doesn't have to be any different than the rest. You can still choose to feel beautiful, sexy, intelligent, fun, and madly in love with yourself, even if you're solo. :)

Owning Your Sexiness

Last week at my coach training, one of the greatest lessons I learned was that of owning my sexiness. Even though the majority of the week was focused on coaching techniques, we also underwent a lot of personal growth and transformation and I embraced the true definition of sexiness!

I’m here to tell you from personal experience, sexiness has nothing to do with looks. I’ll repeat that here, just to make sure you really get the message: Being HOT & sexually attractive has absolutely *nothing* to do with your looks!! (I tweeted this the other day and got lots of positive responses so I thought I’d write a blog about it).

Sure, we’re taught in our society that looks are the key to happiness in life, and that you’re only sexy if you look a certain way (tall, thin, gorgeous skin, etc.). But think of all the other societies across the world where an entirely different look is valued. For example, some societies actually think the sexiest women are those with the large, round hips and voluptuous bodies. In their societies, thinness is actually not considered attractive at all!

So if sexiness doesn’t have anything to do with looks, then what makes someone sexy and attractive to others? Here you go, so listen up! The truth is, sexiness is all about owning and embracing who YOU are. It means not trying to conform to society’s version of what sexy is, but conforming to what YOUR idea of sexy is! We are all unique, all completely different, with various qualities, strengths, and weaknesses. And owning and embracing who you are is the key to sexiness!

Being sexy means recognizing that you are incredibly dynamic and intriguing, just for being you, and allowing your light to shine through. It has to do with confidence, self-acceptance, and owning and embracing everything that you are! It’s knowing that you have so much to offer to this world, and being excited about sharing that with others. It’s about looking in the mirror and liking what you see, but also knowing that beauty is really created from the inside out and that what’s most important is on the inside.

So many of us spend so much time condemning ourselves because we’re not the perfect size, or the right height, or don’t have the right hair, or eye color, etc. Who really cares?! There is no one else on the planet exactly like you, and that makes you incredibly sexy!! Even if you’re an identical twin and your twin looks just like you, there are characteristics about your personality that make you uniquely you and distinct from your twin.

We’ve all had the experience of meeting someone who looks really sexy from the outside, but the minute we start talking to them we lose all interest in them. On the flip side, haven’t you met someone who didn’t look all that great to you at first, but the minute you got to know them and their personality they became so incredibly sexy to you? No matter what someone looks like on the outside, it’s really their inner beauty that captivates and attracts others.

So, what to do if you’re not feeling super sexy right now? Start by embracing your inner qualities and who you really are rather than focusing so much attention on your looks. Learn to feel your sexiness from the inside out! Make a list of all the reasons you love yourself and what makes you special. There are certain qualities you have that set you apart from others, and the more you focus on those the sexier you become! Don’t forget to write a love letter to yourself if you haven’t already!

Don’t believe me? Try it out for yourself! The next time you catch yourself not feeling very sexy, spend a few minutes focusing on all the things you appreciate about yourself (how smart you are, how good you are with kids, how loyal you are with your pets, etc.). Don’t you feel sexier and more confident already?!

Stay tuned later this week for my post on what to do if you’re single on Valentine’s Day. Hint: It has more to do with loving and embracing yourself as you are, rather than running out and finding any date you can! ;)

Embracing Your Feelings

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m spending the week in Ojai, CA going through coach training with Gay & Katie Hendricks (I’ve been a huge fan of their work for years!). One of the main things we’ve been talking about is body awareness, or how to get in touch with and really embrace your feelings.

For most people, feelings are something we typically avoid. They might feel “icky” and pop up when we least expect them, and so the last thing we want to do is actually embrace them! Yet really feeling your feelings and allowing them to be as they are can not only solve many of your problems, but also leads to a much richer expression of both yourself and your life. Often times we are so scared of feeling our emotions that we play small and avoid situations that might trigger them in any way. Addictions are actually based on the unwillinginess to explore and feel various feelings.

I'd like to share an exercise with you I learned this week, which explains one way to get in touch with your feelings. My hope is that it will show you how easy it can be to explore our emotions, and that doing so regularly can radically increase the enjoyment of our lives!

Start by selecting a particular feeling you want to concentrate on during this exercise. It could be a feeling you’re experiencing right this very moment, or you can use your imagination to conjure up an emotion you’ve had in the past which causes you discomfort. (Note: you don’t have to select a “negative” emotion, you can also use “positive” emotions, like joy or happiness, which you have trouble experiencing to their fullest extent.)

Once you’ve selected an emotion, tune into your body and turn your attention inward. Take a few deep breaths to get centered, if you’re not already there, and tune out all outside distractions as best as you can. Now, scan your body internally and become aware of the particular emotion that you’re exploring. Locate the feeling and ask yourself the following questions:

• Where do I feel this particular emotion in my body?
• What does it feel like, i.e. what sensations I am feeling?
• Does this feeling have a certain shape or texture to it? If so, describe it.
• Does this emotion have any color to it? Which one?
• Finally, if this feeling could talk, what would it say to me? Does it have a particular message to give me at this time?

As you do this exercise, notice if the feeling changes in any way. For example, has it moved to a new location in your body, changed shapes, or adopted a new texture? Also, does it have any new messages to give you as the exercise goes on?

For many of you, this may feel uncomfortable if you’ve never gotten in touch with your feelings like this before. Most of us spend so much time in our heads that we spend very little time getting in touch with our bodies and the various sensations we experience within it. Don’t worry about whether or not you are giving the correct answers to the questions. There are no right or wrong answers! Just go with whatever comes to mind, and allow yourself to feel and think whatever comes up.

Doing this exercise on a regular basis could be the beginning of a life-long romance with your feelings! Instead of running from them or trying to control them as we normally do, I invite you to try exploring and embracing your feelings. View them as messengers with important information to relay to you, rather than inconveniences or annoyances to be avoided at all costs.

The more you listen carefully to your emotions and allow them to be as they are, I think you'll find that your life runs much more smoothly, and is filled with all the joy, abundance, and love you could ever imagine! :-)

Being Gentle on Yourself

Every once in awhile I feel zero inspiration to write a blog. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas, it’s just that nothing in particular is screaming at me this moment to become a blog. Actually, this week might be a special case because I’m attending the “Conscious Living” retreat with Gay & Katie Hendricks in Ojai, CA, and I’m going through so much growth and expansion that my brain is fried when it comes to writing blogs. But I thought I’d take this opportunity to re-emphasize how important it is to be gentle on ourselves and practice self-love, even in these moments when the wheels just don’t seem to be turning.

Whether or not you have a blog, I’m sure everyone is familiar with what I’m talking about. You have something that needs to be done, and it might even be something you
know is good for you. However, for some reason you just can’t summon the energy or motivation to do it!

So, what to do when this phenomenon strikes? See below for some helpful hints.

1) No judgement allowed: First and foremost, please remember that beating yourself up or judging yourself for the lack of activity is not going to help. In fact, it’s just going to end up making matters worse! You may think you’re just giving yourself a healthy kick in the butt, but judging yourself or criticizing yourself is *never* a good idea. Instead, try reinforcing some positive self-talk by reminding yourself of all the projects you HAVE successfully completed in the past.

2) Forget about it for awhile: Take a hot bath, or a walk, or even a nap! Just forget about it for awhile, and trust that when the time is right you’ll be back up and running with the right amount of energy and motivation. Unless it’s a life or death situation (and how often is that truly the case?), your project will wait for you while you’re recharging your batteries. Sometimes even five minutes of pure unadulterated time to yourself will do wonders!

3) Dive into your feelings: Are you sure you’re just not feeling motivated, or is there something else going on? Is there some deeper reason why you might be procrastinating? Maybe you’re scared of failure, or even success! Maybe you’re scared of failing, or that your work will be judged as being not up to par. If you identify any issues lurking under the surface, dive into those feelings and bring awareness to them. Really go into your body and explore what’s going on inside. Try making friends with your feelings and you’ll be surprised at how quickly they can subside.

4) Make a move: Sometimes all you need is a good old-fashioned push to get yourself back in the game, and who better to give yourself that push than yourself! Take a step, any step, just to get the energy flowing again. For me it was deciding to write a blog on the topic of not knowing what to write! But hey, I got a blog out of it, didn't I? ;) Maybe for you it’s doing ten jumping jacks, which will convince you that going to the gym is what your body really needs right now, or writing an introductory paragraph for the memo that your boss is waiting on. It doesn’t have to be a huge step, just something to get you moving in the right direction.

Finally, when all else fails:

5) Write a love letter to yourself: This is my new favorite self-love technique, and I can’t encourage you enough to get into a regular habit of celebrating yourself. Every time I do this, I realize more and more things to love about myself! Not only does this allow you to send yourself love and acceptance despite your inactivity, but it will also remind you of all your fabulous qualities. This will fill you with a sense of confidence which may be just what you need to get moving again!

I hope these suggestions have helped you. I'd love to hear about your experience with any of the above tips!